DIVORCE
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Divorce happens - and it is never easy.  However, instead of it drawing a line under your relationship, leaving you free to move on, unfortunately with an abusive partner it could signal the start of a new, more intense phase of the control tactics and abuse. This is known as Post-Separation Control.

Update: Hopefully the NEW DIVORCE LAWS  announced by the UK Government in April 2019 will make some impact and reduce separation conflict - however, sadly, the truth is controlling partners will always be controlling, whatever the law.

The last thing an abuser wants is for you, his partner, to thrive after you split up and it's a sad fact of life that many will use children or finances (often both) to disrupt, delay and even prevent your exit. If you do manage to forge some independence, even if you have to get a restraining order in place (see here and at the bottom of this page), please be mindful of the warning on the home page: You must be ultra-cautious about your safety, especially during the first year following separation from a coercive and controlling partner. 

It shouldn't be like this, it is unfair but you have to be realistic about what you face and take steps to protect yourself. The more that a controlling person feels they are losing power over you, the more dangerous and ruthless some of them can become - often it manifests as psychological abuse but it can become physical too. So, if upon mention of a divorce your partner seems unnaturally co-operative, and suddenly stops being abusive, you cannot rule out that he may be trying to keep you sweet for a reason, perhaps to coerce you into a false sense of security. 

Keep your wits about you. Certainly, whatever pressures you face, you should not come to a speedy financial agreement or apply for a Decree Absolute until you have taken legal advice. You have certain rights while you are still married (and while you have a Decree Nisi), but once the Decree Absolute is issued you are no longer married and those rights are not available to you under the law. 

Likewise, if you ask for a divorce and your partner appears to be trying to stall or delay, it may actually be tied up with the fact that he needs to buy time to restructure his finances. See Hiding Assets on this page.  You are leaving this relationship for a reason, either his behaviour had become intolerable or he has forced an ending and is controlling you.  Either way, once divorce has been broached you are best advised to plan for the best but prepare for the worst, and seek legal advice to negotiate the split. 

If you require Legal Aid there is an approved list of legal aid solicitors and law firms on the government’s legal aid website http://find-legal-advice.justice.gov.uk/   Unfortunately, legal aid will only be available to you if your financial resources are within the limits set by the Legal Aid Agency. To check if you are eligible please visit: https://www.gov.uk/check-legal-aid 
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If you are not eligible, visit this site for information packs: AdviceNow
You can get free legal advice from Advocate here.
Also see the Resources section for lots of free information. This is a great guide, see page 44 onwards.

As mentioned before, controlling behaviour occurs in every walk of life but a factor not often addressed is that being partnered with someone who is moderately to extremely wealthy can sometimes present more financial difficulties and greater possibilities for control than a divorce from someone at the lower end of the economic scale - as we will shortly discuss.

If you are married or cohabiting with a farmer this can have its own issues to do with Land Trusts.

Update: In July 2019 a fantastic report was delivered by The National Rural Crime Network, about abuse in rural locales, entitled Captive & Controlled. You can read the key findings here and access the full report in the resources section.

Meanwhile, on the websites of most Family Law firms you will find lots of information about the divorce process (and the new divorce law) and Financial Remedies across the board, so you should look at a number of different sites and read their articles. 

​One website which offers very clear information about the divorce process, is that of Stowe Family Law. ​​
NB: Please note some of this information will change as and when the new divorce laws are passed.

This is the Stowe Family Law five-step guide to ending your marriage

These are their lists of Frequently Asked Questions -
Your Journey Through Divorce
​&
 Divorce FAQs

And this is their infographic on Legal Negotiation and how it works.

If you are unable to agree on a financial arrangement or feel you need the protection of a court ordered agreement (highly likely) then there is a legal requirement for full and frank financial disclosure on both sides.
Court proceedings are usually used if :

 Your spouse is not giving you all the financial information you need to make a decision
There is no hope of negotiating a financial settlement after divorce which is fair
There are complex financial issues that you need a divorce court to help you sort out
There is domestic violence – or the threat of it
There is an international element.
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Here is a list of what the Court will take in consideration when making a financial award. 

As well as completing the divorce petition, securing your home rights and sorting out finances, if you have children you will need to come to an arrangement about where their primary residence will be and when each of you will see them. This is another area fraught with difficulty with a controlling partner and it is highly likely that you will have to use the Family Court to decide on the arrangements for you.  See this page for all the various forms and more information about the process.

​Sometimes as long as your partner is able to control you financially, initially they may not be too concerned about seeking contact orders - but they may later. Again, please consult a lawyer or visit your Citizens Advice Bureau and read as much as you can online. If you are not married but have children, different rules will apply but you must always seek proper legal advice.  This is an excellent guide for anyone who is not married to their partner but has been cohabiting. These are the individual pieces of legislation:

Children's Act 1989
Matrimonial Causes Act 1973
Civil Partnership Act 2004
Children and Families Act 2014

Bear in mind that the Family Courts are not there to 'prosecute' or punish Domestic Abuse, (that's for the criminal courts) they are there to seek a fair way forward and will always put the needs of the children first - see Family Courts.

Although it might seem to you that if your partner has been abusive in the relationship and made your life unbearable, then you should get some form of recompense in the form of a larger settlement upon divorce, sadly this is not how the Family Courts will view it - unless the behaviour was so serious that he has affected your future earning capacity or there's been some other seriously iniquitable conduct. Please read this about Conduct in Financial Proceedings.

(This is why we must continue to insist that economic abuse, post separation is seen as a stand-alone crime in new legislation so that justice for abuse can be sought through the criminal courts)

With regard to children and the arrangements for them, here are a few websites which will answer some of the legal questions you may have about  CHILD ARRANGEMENTS  - Resolution and Child Law Advice. There are also lots of videos, articles, forms and other information on the Family Court page and in the Resources section. One particularly good guide is How Do Family Courts Deal with Cases Involving Children and Domestic Abuse. Again, please always seek professional advice. I am just supplying lots of signposts to information.

How To Apply For a Court Order For Child Arrangements without a Lawyer

On the tactics page and on the Post-Separation Control page, I laid out some of the types of threats you might receive from a controlling partner - psychological, emotional, economic and physical. Without money though, you will be powerless. It will affect every area of your life: transport, housing, communication, location and maybe your mental health. Your abusive partner will know this. So, if you have not been able to (legally) save an exit fund and do not have an independent source of income you will need to tread very carefully indeed. Ideally, you should seek legal advice before first mentioning that you want a divorce.

In recent years there has been the proliferation of men using underhand ways and means to defeat their wife's claims to what she is legally entitled to receive. In fact it appears to be becoming something of a misogynistic sport, but until Parliament tightens up the legislation (some of it a throwback from Victorian times), these injustices and power imbalances will persist and all you can do is be informed and prepared. 

There may, or may not be, much to divide up but  whether wealthy or not, many controlling partners are finding ways to present a less-than-accurate disclosure of their finances or to manipulate the system to reduce the amount of money they have to pay in spousal maintenance and child support.  Sometimes, even after a Court Order is made, they will claim to have fallen on hard times and request a variation on the order based on their 'new' circumstances and keep dragging it back to court - or simply refuse to pay. 

Partners do this knowing that proceedings for enforcement of non-payment will often take a long time, plus they are highly unlikely to have to go to prison for a first offence (although that is the end result in some cases). Also the onus will be on you to prove beyond doubt that your partner can pay (Contempt of Court is a criminal law). Even so, some men would rather go to prison for a few weeks than see you walk away with enough to happily rebuild your life without them. Some will spend money, knowing that you are both jointly and severally liable for the debt - for example energy bills, loans, overdrafts etc. (see Coerced Debt),  it is therefore vital you seek immediate legal advice about joint accounts.

For as long as all of the legal wrangling is taking place and things remain unresolved, an abusive partner will know that this will severely disempower and upset you and prevent you from properly moving on. Depressing isn't it. (It's why we need better legislation and greater awareness of post-separation control tactics in the Judiciary).

​Often, just the threat and stress of non-compliance can force a woman to agree to accept less than she deserves, rather than face the further stress and expense of a long drawn out legal battle. Some men will deliberately use this tactic. This is brazenly abusive and morally reprehensible behaviour by the perpetrator, but sadly not uncommon. This is why it is so important to shine a bright spotlight on this behaviour. A reform of the inequalities in the system and better enforcement of penalties for 'divorce abuse' is badly needed. 

Seek advice but try not to be intimidated. Whether physical abuse is involved or not, many (sadly, not all) Judges are getting wiser to the shenanigans of men who seek to finanically and psychologically manipulate their spouse through the Court system or hide their wealth.  In a well-reported case that Mr Justice Holman described as an 'intolerable affront to justice'  he made this wise ruling and invoked something called a 'Pound for Pound' order.

Here is another publicly available case; Appeal by wife against a consent order in financial remedy proceedings on the grounds of material non-disclosure. Appeal allowed.

High Net Worth
Individuals (HNWI)

Simply stated a person's net worth is calculated like this: Everything you have minus everything you owe. You can read about HNW and  Ultra High Net Worth (UHNW) divorce cases here. Sadly, it's a truth that the more wealthy a man is the more he has the ability to engage in protracted litigation and use his power to control his ex and outcomes, if he so desires. 

Read How the One Percenters Divorce and Dishonesty in Divorce

Whilst everyone knows this goes on, a Judge can only operate within the extent of the law as it currently stands. There should be a national outcry at the way some people manipulate the legal system using the letter of the law to control others, whilst desecrating the spirit of the law as it was intended to be used. There should be strict sanctions on any lawyers who knowingly facilitate 'divorce abuse' by controlling spouses (If it is happening to you please make contact with Surviving Economic Abuse or contact The Centre for Women's Justice). 

As a paragraph in a Solicitors Regulation Authority (SRA) document says:  "A solicitor is independent of his client and having regard to his wider responsibilities and the need to maintain the Profession's reputation, [they] must and should on occasion be prepared to say to [their] client 'What you seek to do may be legal but I am not prepared to help you do it'."

Legislation and regulation urgently needs tightening up. You can contribute towards bringing changes by writing to your MP.  They will not be able to help you with your specific case as they cannot be seen to be interfering with ongoing court cases, but they can get involved in  bringing changes to overall legislation.  Prior to the end of 2019 you can also help bring change by taking part in this Legal Services Review and writing to Professor Stephen Mayson. 

The Women and Equalities Committee can also look at inequalities and abuses of power being perpetrated towards women (no end date). They can launch inquiries, call witnesses and scrutinise legislation.

Make no mistake though, the courts take a very dim view of non-disclosure and it is conduct that might be permitted to be heard (whereas bad behaviour and accusations of controlling behaviour, generally speaking is not, except in fact-finding hearings re private law child arrangements). The evidence that non-disclosure has taken place though will need to be watertight and properly obtained, or it is you who risks a fine or a criminal conviction.  Do not open your partner's post, photocopy documents, record him or access his phone or email unless a lawyer has expressly agreed you can do so.  Again SEEK LEGAL ADVICE.

​There are a number of things that you can legally do to discover non-disclosure, and for details, plus tell-tale signs of non-disclosure, click on the Hiding Assets image  on this page . You can read all about Trusts on the Resources page.

As stated above, often, it can be difficult for parties, particularly individuals who do not have legal representation, to recover the money they are owed. This can lead to significant hardship both for the parties and for their children. Ultimately, prior to or during divorce, if you think your partner may be about to sell or otherwise get rid of (dissipate) assets that you have a financial interest in, you must plan ahead. You may be able to get a Freezing Order in place.  Even if that is too late as you have already got a divorce ruling, if you can prove that the settlement was founded on incorrect or falsified information (non-disclosure) you can usually return to Court. Again, talk to a lawyer or Citizen's Advice Bureau.

Finally, one of the others areas of divorce that is in dire need of reform is around the enforcement of orders. You can read The Law Commission's report and their recommendations on how the enforcement of financial orders in the Family Court can be strengthened here And this was the official response from  Lucy Frazer QC MP (former Parliamentary Under Secretary of State for Justice, now Minister of State) in 2018 to that Law Commission Report.

You can always write directly to Lucy Frazer or contact the Family Procedure Rule Committee or your MP to keep pressure on the Government for these changes to be implemented. This applies to enforcement though. There are still many gaps in the law with regard to the issue of wealthy men hiding assets that are perhaps best tackled by getting involved with organisations dealing in Tax Justice and Transparency or even anonymously reporting your partner to HMRC if you suspect they are 'cooking the books'.

While I cannot make any specific recommendations of law firms to use, for High and Ultra High Net Worth (UHNW) divorces, Vardags, Sears Tooth, MacFarlanes and Withers come highly recommended. Always shop around for the right firm for you and your circumstances. Kingsley Napley have a lawyer who specialises in Narcissistic  partners. 

Rachel Horman is a Family Lawyer who specialises in the area of Domestic Violence/Abuse and Stalking and has written a book on Coercive Control. You do not need a lawyer to report your partner to the Police. If you are a victim of a crime you have certain rights. Read about those here. Do make sure you understand the difference between how the Criminal Justice System and Family Law Courts operate along very different lines. The Rule of Law is there to protect you.

​Above all, if safe to do so,  please speak up about this issue and help to effect change. Some controlling men, through their sense of arrogance and entitlement think they can manipulate the law (or enable others to) in order to hurt women and children. They need to be held accountable.

​Notes and Disclaimer:
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Nothing on this site, on any page, should be taken as legal advice - you should always seek the services of a legal professional. Likewise, nothing on this site should be construed as medical advice. The services of a medical professional or mental health professional should be sought if needed.

All information is provided in good faith to educate the general public, victims and survivors about abuse, and specifically, post-relationship control. Please be aware that some of the content of this site may 'trigger' . 

*The British Crime Survey shows Domestic Abuse to be a gendered issue, however no offence is intended and it is accepted that men may be affected and there may be people of other gender identities to whom this information may apply. Abuse can happen to - and be perpetrated by - anyone, from any sector of the socioeconomic scale.

** It is recognised that Coercive Control can happen in an intimate or familial relationship seeTDA Lawshe Law