Is it Narcissism?
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Deify. Devalue. Discard.
Read about the pattern of Narcissistic Abuse below.
Read about the pattern of Narcissistic Abuse below.
Melissa Hogan, CC BY-SA 4.0 via Wikimedia Commons
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We could debate for hours whether a person's controlling behaviour is wholly conscious or unconscious. Just as it is devastating to hear your partner peddle stories that you are 'mentally ill' or a 'gold-digger' as a justification for why you are so upset over his/her treatment of you, it would be equally as wrong to label your abuser as having a 'condition' unless it has been officially diagnosed.
The truth is that even if your abuser's behaviour appears to fit the description of a narcissist like a glove, only a Psychiatrist or Psychologist can officially diagnose conditions such as Sociopathy, Psychopathy or Narcissistic Personality Disorder/Anti-Social Personality Disorder (psychotherapists and counsellors may have expert knowledge about these conditions but cannot diagnose them). To do this they would need to meet your partner; possibly on several occasions. It's also important to recognise that all these disorders exist on a spectrum of severity. We can all display traits associated with narcissistic behaviour. Even the most grounded doctor, psychiatrist or your own counsellor will possess some traits that escalate during certain life stresses then abate again. So it's important not to try and become an armchair analyst of mental health conditions based on a few Google searches or pop-culture articles. Human beings are all unique, each has a different backstory and life, and our wellbeing is always in a constant state of change. It may not be what you want to hear but to label every man a narcissist just because he has displayed some selfish behaviours, been unfaithful or has emotionally hurt you will eventually devalue the term and also do a great disservice to the women who are dealing with the men with truly pathological conditions. The likelihood is he is just weak, insecure and cruel, not a full-blown narcissist. All that said though, academic research (see Resources) does show that those with one of these conditions tend to gravitate to certain jobs; ones which unsurprisingly offer them control and power over others (see this article) Also it is true that Narcissists seem to follow a distinct pattern of: |
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DEIFYING: Lifting the object of their affection quickly up on a high pedestal, then
Interestingly, this is exactly the pattern many suffering post-separation control will report. Even law firms are beginning to recognise the challenges presented by this condition: 
This is a paragraph from an article about Narcissistic partners from the law firm Kingsley Napley
There is a new website out written by a Doctor and Lawyer called Narcissists and Divorce. They also have an excellent podcast and have written two books that you can purchase from the website. Additionally, you can read lots of articles about narcissism in the Resources section.
Click on the images to see more.
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You can also watch a video interview here where a lawyer interviews the Doctor, Dr Supriya McKenna, who co-authored the books (above) on Narcissism.
If your partner is particularly cruel to animals or tends to go for your neck area when violent (i.e. strangulation), these are both big red flags for Psychopathy and you could be in considerable danger, please seek outside support.
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As a very general rule of thumb, it is believed that Psychopaths are born that way, whereas Narcissists are 'made' by internal and external factors - childhood upbringing, society and sometimes even through brain injury. Certainly though, as can be seen by the exponential growth of online articles about Narcissism, the traits associated with this condition do appear to be on the increase. Something about our society - maybe it's uncertainty and insecurity and the me, me, me culture, where there is such a focus on image - seems to be fuelling more selfish and controlling behaviour. There's also the whole debate about what causes toxic masculinity. Is it that patriarchal and misogynistic traits are still present from an earlier era? Is it on the wane in younger men? Is it cultural?
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From 'The Fall' by Steve Taylor
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Whatever the cause and whether the control is 'caused' by a diagnosable condition or not, the salient point is that abuse cannot be excused away and it is never the victims fault. Plenty of people can try others patience and be a jerk, but they will have some healthy boundaries somewhere, and an ability to show remorse. They will stop short of any desire to devalue and destroy their partner's identity and control their freedom.
As mentioned on this page you should never consider going to couples therapy with a controlling abuser. They will simply use the opportunity to manipulate you via the third party. Speak to a trained professional about your options first. It is also imperative, if you believe you have been the victim of a narcissist/sociopath/psychopath, that you seek out a therapist specifically trained in dealing with the trauma associated with being a victim of someone with one of these disorders - here's why. A word of warning too, some people report that their abuser was actually having a hidden relationship with a Psychiatrist or a Clinical Psychologist or Therapist, or the therapist may be a victim/target. This shows that even professionals are not immune to the manipulations and charms of a sociopath/narcissist. Some therapists may actually be undiagnosed narcissists. It's all a bit of a minefield but, it's unusual and the moral of the story is to be very careful about who you choose to help you at a time when you may be at your most vulnerable. Please see the resources and book sections for plenty more articles on Narcissism and on the PTSD and C-PTSD that can result from becoming a victim of Narcissistic Abuse. You may find it of some interest to listen to Sam Vaknin PhD. Sam is a diagnosed Narcopath (Narcissist and Psychopath). His enormous (but very old-fashioned) website is here and there's a riveting video at the bottom of this page. Overall though, "Narcissism" has mushroomed into a massive industry since I first put this website together. There are always unscrupulous, unqualified therapists out there seeking to profit from other's misery. Always check someone's credentials or ask for feedback from several people (at least) who have been clients of whoever you choose to use. Go on recommendations and your own instinct. |
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This video should immediately skip to the Sam Vaknin segment at 1hr 23mins. The entire video is also interesting
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Notes and Disclaimer:
Nothing on this site, on any page, should be taken as legal advice - you should always seek the services of a legal professional. Likewise, nothing on this site should be construed as medical advice. The services of a medical professional or mental health professional should be sought if needed.
All information is provided in good faith to educate the general public, victims and survivors about abuse, and specifically, post-relationship control. Please be aware that some of the content of this site may 'trigger' .
*The British Crime Survey shows Domestic Abuse to be a gendered issue, however no offence is intended and it is accepted that men may be affected and there may be people of other gender identities to whom this information may apply. Abuse can happen to - and be perpetrated by - anyone, from any sector of the socioeconomic scale.
It is recognised that Coercive Control can happen in an intimate or familial relationship see The Law