Post-separation abuse is one of society's hidden issues. This website is an information portal where you will find a comprehensive set of articles and resources to help understand the various aspects of coercive and controlling behaviour, and details of the laws there are to tackle it. Please start on this page and use the navigation menu above.
Power & Control
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10 Minute Read
Post-separation control is a form of abuse that some men* use to maintain power and control over women, long after a relationship or marriage is over. On this site you will find all you need to know about post-separation coercive control and the civil remedies and criminal laws available to deal with it.
Additionally, these pages have a particular focus. Whilst it is well-known by experts that domestic abuse can happen to anyone, unfortunately there is still a perception among the general public that abuse only happens to a certain sector of the community and that it always involves physical violence. The truth is however that abuse can happen to absolutely anyone. It may, or may not, involve violence and with some partners there are often different tactics of abuse employed. This is especially so where the perpetrator might be a powerful, wealthy businessperson, a legal professional, a highly-regarded public figure or 'celebrity'. Abusive men are just as likely to be lawyers, accountants and judges as they are to be unemployed. It's about power and control - Sandra Horley. Former CEO of Refuge Where social standing is of particular importance (common in narcissistic personalities) and overt abuse might lead to reputational damage, loss of earnings or even arrest if reported, physical violence may be minimal. Indeed, it may not be a factor at all. Instead the control is often executed in ways that could only be described as psychological and emotional terrorism, which is far harder to prove.
Control tactics, such as using the legal system to repeatedly drag women through expensive litigation in the Family Court or launching a defamation lawsuit, or smear campaign, in a brazen attempt to silence or discredit their partner's words, and preserve their own reputation, is rife. Abusers are highly adept at reversing the victim and aggressor roles.
Likewise, a specific consideration for the coercive and controlling partner in a higher income household might be around preservation of wealth: commonly by hiding or dissipating assets. Indeed women in this demographic may be equally, if not more, at risk of economic abuse as those with little disposable income. So, while this site, due to its comprehensive resources will be a highly valuable information portal and source of support to anyone suffering any form of domestic abuse and/or wishing to know more about controlling behaviour, it will also help bust some of the myths about who abuse happens to. It will address some of the issues that are specific to those with partners who hide behind the legitimacy afforded to them by their power and position. As such, you will find sections on High Net Worth divorce, Legal Silencing, Coerced Debt, the ways in which wealth can be hidden, dissipated or made inaccessible - and far more. First things first though. To ensure that the dynamics are fully understood by everyone reading, we will start with a step-by-step account about how an abuser's control tactics might first display themselves. Along the way we will cover some of the common questions that arise like, 'Is it Narcissism?', 'Is it really control or just a 'bad' relationship? 'and detail some of the common pre and post-separation abuse tactics, here and on other pages. Let's begin by addressing that old chestnut of a question, namely: "If she's not happy, why doesn't she just leave?" or "Why didn't she leave sooner?"
The 'mechanics' of abuse are complex but the answer to this query is very simple... Many women are so controlled that leaving is simply not an option. *It is recognised that abuse can happen to anyone of any gender, however women are more likely to experience higher levels of abuse and violence and are more likely to be subjected to coercive and controlling behaviours (Dobash & Dobash, 2004; Hester, 2013; Myhill, 2015; Myhill, 2017). |
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This control is often invisible to onlookers - others may consider the couple to be quite happy - but, behind closed doors, things can be very different. With a controlling partner there will be barriers to women leaving and barriers to fully disconnecting once they have left. These restrictions are the "invisible chains".
Many organisations are now working tirelessly towards making the invisible visible, shining a much-needed spotlight on this subject of psychological, economic and emotional abuse. Coercive and controlling behaviour lies at the heart of Domestic Abuse. It is not someone else's problem, it costs lives and it is everyone's business. |
Invisible Chains
The ways in which the exertion of power and control by an abuser can manifest to entrap a woman* are multifarious. However, there is a well-defined pattern that an abuser's behaviour appears to follow. We'll start by looking at BEFORE the relationship ends.
There is no set time for when the control can begin. It may be after days, weeks, months or even many years. In this respect abuse onset has no 'norm'. When it does first get noticed though it is likely to have been an insidious creep, rather than an overnight change.
When she first notices her partner's behavioural changes, a woman may feel unsettled, but the treatment meted out to her probably won't, in her eyes, immediately warrant separation. Her partner might be a boyfriend, a co-habiting partner or a loving father to their children. He may be a good son to his parents, a diligent employee or perhaps a trustworthy employer of others; a pillar of the community. He possibly hasn't ever raised his hand to her and can often be charming and charismatic. Others see the good in him, she does too and it's likely she cares deeply for him.
For this reason, when her partner first starts to exhibit the odd episode of controlling behaviour, initially this hypothetical woman in our example - and indeed any woman - is highly likely to excuse it away.
When she first notices her partner's behavioural changes, a woman may feel unsettled, but the treatment meted out to her probably won't, in her eyes, immediately warrant separation. Her partner might be a boyfriend, a co-habiting partner or a loving father to their children. He may be a good son to his parents, a diligent employee or perhaps a trustworthy employer of others; a pillar of the community. He possibly hasn't ever raised his hand to her and can often be charming and charismatic. Others see the good in him, she does too and it's likely she cares deeply for him.
For this reason, when her partner first starts to exhibit the odd episode of controlling behaviour, initially this hypothetical woman in our example - and indeed any woman - is highly likely to excuse it away.
Cognitive Dissonance
Certainly, it's unlikely she would describe herself as a "victim". In between the periods of coercion and control (which perhaps only she witnesses) their relationship might actually be quite satisfying to her, like in the early days when it was a heady romance, full of adoration. So she sticks with it, telling herself that he's probably just stressed about something and possibly justifies it to herself by thinking, "no one is perfect". This is the start of a form of internal tension known as Cognitive Dissonance.
If they are married the religious vows and maybe the presence of children, can play a big part in this decision. The vows of 'For richer for poorer, in sickness and in health' etc., (or similar wording from other religious vows too) might be reverberating in her mind. A commitment is a commitment. "It's not all bad", she tells herself, and so she stays.
Then she starts to notice that the periods in between the 'episodes' are getting smaller or the rules and restrictions he's imposing upon her are getting tighter. If she confronts it, he'll likely tell her that she is the problem or that she's imagining it. However, what was once a series of episodes that she might have termed trivial are now starting to form a pattern of behaviour.
Perhaps he's:
- Spending money and running up debts, but controlling every penny she spends.
- Maybe he's verbally berating her; being increasingly insulting, mocking, demeaning or dismissing her.
- He may be acting in ways that are jealous or possessive, even dictating who she can socialise with, what she can wear or tracking her movements.
- He may be caught lying but then deny it and get cross at her for detecting his discrepancies (gaslighting)
- It might be that he's lost his temper and lashed out with a slap, a push or a punch or is threatening to physically punish her.
'Walking on Eggshells'
It could take any form. It might be all of these things or only one or two. It'll be enough instances though for her to start to doubt herself and to become hyper-vigilant. She may find herself subtly altering her ways and reactions, taking care 'not to set him off'.
Quite reasonably, she (again I acknowledge here that men can be victims too ) might then issue a warning. It's likely she'll tell him she can't live like this and deserves better. Most women, who are being emotionally and psychologically toyed with, will at some point call a man out on his conduct, knowing she has a very real right to be treated as an equal and with respect. What she may not realise at this point is, that in his eyes equality was never a part of the deal.
Entitlement
Unbeknown to her, whether this is a marriage or not, he most likely chose to enter into a relationship with her for attributes she possesses that he feels are desirable to him: ones that will reflect well on him in the eyes of others. In fact, ironically, the psychologically controlling abuser is likely to always have perceived her to have some 'power' that he himself lacks. It might be her morals, her gentle manner, her intelligence, social standing, physical attractiveness, wealth, a talent he admires etc. It might even be her similarity to someone he once loved and lost.
As long as she doesn't challenge him in any way, all is fine. However, by asking him to desist or explain his behaviour his partner is suddenly calling into question his authority and signalling that she's no longer viewing him as highly as he feels he deserves and is entitled to. Therefore his default position is to attempt to wrest back his power.
Unbeknown to her, whether this is a marriage or not, he most likely chose to enter into a relationship with her for attributes she possesses that he feels are desirable to him: ones that will reflect well on him in the eyes of others. In fact, ironically, the psychologically controlling abuser is likely to always have perceived her to have some 'power' that he himself lacks. It might be her morals, her gentle manner, her intelligence, social standing, physical attractiveness, wealth, a talent he admires etc. It might even be her similarity to someone he once loved and lost.
As long as she doesn't challenge him in any way, all is fine. However, by asking him to desist or explain his behaviour his partner is suddenly calling into question his authority and signalling that she's no longer viewing him as highly as he feels he deserves and is entitled to. Therefore his default position is to attempt to wrest back his power.
Gaslighting
Often after challenging him, at first he may be somewhat apologetic. Things may initially return to being good. Perhaps his cruel withholding becomes full-on kindly attention again or the 'love-bombing' - flattery, buying of presents, sexual activity, flowers etc - will resume, but really even this is a form of manipulation and control. He's testing her boundaries with hot/cold behaviour, seeing just how far he can push her and control her reactions and sense of reality (gaslighting).
Sooner or later comes a repeat of the offending behaviour. Rather than seeing her request to desist in the controlling behaviour as entirely reasonable, the theory is that a person like this instead projects his own controlling personality traits onto his partner. He perceives her as trying to manipulate him, with the intention of usurping or destroying his power.
In other words, he thinks that way because that's what he'd do.
Often after challenging him, at first he may be somewhat apologetic. Things may initially return to being good. Perhaps his cruel withholding becomes full-on kindly attention again or the 'love-bombing' - flattery, buying of presents, sexual activity, flowers etc - will resume, but really even this is a form of manipulation and control. He's testing her boundaries with hot/cold behaviour, seeing just how far he can push her and control her reactions and sense of reality (gaslighting).
Sooner or later comes a repeat of the offending behaviour. Rather than seeing her request to desist in the controlling behaviour as entirely reasonable, the theory is that a person like this instead projects his own controlling personality traits onto his partner. He perceives her as trying to manipulate him, with the intention of usurping or destroying his power.
In other words, he thinks that way because that's what he'd do.
Most research indicates perpetrators are aware that their behaviour is coercive and have a clear goal in mind, which is to exert power over the victim. Author and expert, Evan Stark (2007) explains that coercive control is used to suppress potential conflicts or challenges to a perpetrator’s authority, and doesn't arise as a result of conflict or stress.
His mindset is, 'No one challenges me!' So his bad behaviour escalates in frequency and behind the scenes he might even start smearing her name, until she can no longer deal with it. He's putting her down while building himself up. On top of this she may have discovered deceit, betrayal of trust or other hurtful behaviour, all of which he either vociferously denies or rubs in her face. She's angry/sad/confused/hurt/isolated all rolled into one. Eventually, whatever form the abuse takes, it is now intolerable and she informs him that she wants to divorce him/leave him.
So What Goes Wrong?
Why do so many women end up never actually leaving?
The answer is, she's not in a relationship where she is free to exercise that level of autonomy and choice. In what can be described a form of adult-grooming, she's been coerced into an abusive, controlling relationship of unequal power and now finds herself quite literally captive to her partner's self-centered, entitled, disordered behaviour. Whether the relationship has been weeks or decades long, he may well eventually allow her to exit but you can be sure it will only be on his terms. This will usually be when he's virtually destroyed any chance she may have of surviving comfortably without him.
Read that last sentence again because these are the 'invisible chains'. It is this that distinguishes a dysfunctional or unfaithful partner (one a person can easily decide to leave), from a psychologically controlling one.
As discussed earlier, the control may be predominantly financial/economic abuse. It might be sexual dominance, something endangering the emotional or physical safety of your children (or something else dear to your heart) and maybe physical violence or threats of it. It could be a combination of all of these are present. The threats might be implicit rather than explicit, but because of their very vagueness they invoke a state of fear and trepidation i.e. 'if you don't do x, y and z, you just wait you'll be sorry. Just you watch what I can do'. This is the emotional and psychological terrorism.
Learned Helplessness
In fact, research shows that non-violent forms of ill-treatment and coercion often leads to long-term psychological effects similar to the those found in survivors of torture. Captors will make a deliberate attempt to induce a breakdown in the will of an individual, causing exhaustion, debility, impaired memory, anxiety, fear and helplessness - and even in the worst cases, psychotic reactions.
The inability to simply walk away can be inextricably linked with the amount of 'power' an abuser has, because if someone has good social standing it is often much more difficult for others to believe what is going on behind closed doors. It's doubly difficult if the partner is a legal professional or has easy access to lawyers, as they may use their wealth to legally render the victim mute or paralysed. The threats in this case might be more direct: 'Tell anyone and I'll ruin you in court.'
A truly controlling partner is not going to let you leave and be free of him. He will work hard to ensure others see him as a victim of your behaviour, and not vice-versa. He intends to punish you, if not destroy you, to maintain his sense of power. It's as simple as that.
If you are reading this page to learn more about the subject but you are not the victim, unless it has happened to you and you have lived experience of the tactics and coercion that a controlling partner will use to exert their will over another, you may find it hard to believe that anyone can act like this.
The answer is, she's not in a relationship where she is free to exercise that level of autonomy and choice. In what can be described a form of adult-grooming, she's been coerced into an abusive, controlling relationship of unequal power and now finds herself quite literally captive to her partner's self-centered, entitled, disordered behaviour. Whether the relationship has been weeks or decades long, he may well eventually allow her to exit but you can be sure it will only be on his terms. This will usually be when he's virtually destroyed any chance she may have of surviving comfortably without him.
Read that last sentence again because these are the 'invisible chains'. It is this that distinguishes a dysfunctional or unfaithful partner (one a person can easily decide to leave), from a psychologically controlling one.
As discussed earlier, the control may be predominantly financial/economic abuse. It might be sexual dominance, something endangering the emotional or physical safety of your children (or something else dear to your heart) and maybe physical violence or threats of it. It could be a combination of all of these are present. The threats might be implicit rather than explicit, but because of their very vagueness they invoke a state of fear and trepidation i.e. 'if you don't do x, y and z, you just wait you'll be sorry. Just you watch what I can do'. This is the emotional and psychological terrorism.
Learned Helplessness
In fact, research shows that non-violent forms of ill-treatment and coercion often leads to long-term psychological effects similar to the those found in survivors of torture. Captors will make a deliberate attempt to induce a breakdown in the will of an individual, causing exhaustion, debility, impaired memory, anxiety, fear and helplessness - and even in the worst cases, psychotic reactions.
The inability to simply walk away can be inextricably linked with the amount of 'power' an abuser has, because if someone has good social standing it is often much more difficult for others to believe what is going on behind closed doors. It's doubly difficult if the partner is a legal professional or has easy access to lawyers, as they may use their wealth to legally render the victim mute or paralysed. The threats in this case might be more direct: 'Tell anyone and I'll ruin you in court.'
A truly controlling partner is not going to let you leave and be free of him. He will work hard to ensure others see him as a victim of your behaviour, and not vice-versa. He intends to punish you, if not destroy you, to maintain his sense of power. It's as simple as that.
If you are reading this page to learn more about the subject but you are not the victim, unless it has happened to you and you have lived experience of the tactics and coercion that a controlling partner will use to exert their will over another, you may find it hard to believe that anyone can act like this.
How Did This Happen?
There is a common belief that for a woman to end up in a relationship like this she must be of below average intelligence or needy, gullible or somehow to blame. This is simply not true.
The 'she must be an idiot to stay with him' narrative is victim blaming and shaming and an insult to thousands of women who find themselves involved with a controlling partner.
Other common shaming sentences are:
“There are always two sides to a story”
or “You might be codependent.”
Everyone has personality traits which can rub others up the wrong way. No relationship dynamic is perfect or without tensions. Ultimately though everyone is free to simply say, enough is enough and walk away. Not so if the relationship is founded on control. Look carefully at the picture above.
The Trickster/The Chameleon
No one sets out to have a relationship with an abusive person. If the woman had known what to look for in the early days, she might have been able to detect some red flags and exit (see the 7-hour rule in the linked article), but realistically many women don't even learn about the phrase 'red flags' until it's too late. And anyway, once a woman has had the first few dates and has determined herself to be in safe hands, who would be so untrusting and cynical that they turn detective and forensically examine the person or watch out for covert behaviours? Especially in someone who initially appears to be treating them well and when everything they say checks out?
Again, this early decision to trust can be even more swiftly arrived at if the person is a highly-regarded professional or member of the community. Anyone might expect an ex-convict to have some undesirable personality traits in the closet, but one's guard would be understandably lowered if he is a Company Director, Vicar, Doctor or a Magistrate! A good read is: Not Too Posh To Punch.
The 'she must be an idiot to stay with him' narrative is victim blaming and shaming and an insult to thousands of women who find themselves involved with a controlling partner.
Other common shaming sentences are:
“There are always two sides to a story”
or “You might be codependent.”
Everyone has personality traits which can rub others up the wrong way. No relationship dynamic is perfect or without tensions. Ultimately though everyone is free to simply say, enough is enough and walk away. Not so if the relationship is founded on control. Look carefully at the picture above.
The Trickster/The Chameleon
No one sets out to have a relationship with an abusive person. If the woman had known what to look for in the early days, she might have been able to detect some red flags and exit (see the 7-hour rule in the linked article), but realistically many women don't even learn about the phrase 'red flags' until it's too late. And anyway, once a woman has had the first few dates and has determined herself to be in safe hands, who would be so untrusting and cynical that they turn detective and forensically examine the person or watch out for covert behaviours? Especially in someone who initially appears to be treating them well and when everything they say checks out?
Again, this early decision to trust can be even more swiftly arrived at if the person is a highly-regarded professional or member of the community. Anyone might expect an ex-convict to have some undesirable personality traits in the closet, but one's guard would be understandably lowered if he is a Company Director, Vicar, Doctor or a Magistrate! A good read is: Not Too Posh To Punch.
ABUSE CROSSES ALL SOCIO-ECONOMIC DIVIDES
Which brings us back to an important point and the crux of this website: The level of controlling (or violent) behaviour a person is capable of exhibiting cannot be determined by IQ, age or occupation. Controlling men - controlling people - exist in every walk of life. No one will spot them at the outset as they will be well-versed in hiding behaviours and traits which they have recognised don't bring them the admiration or relationships they desire. They become expert at manipulating others and every aspect of how they are perceived. They are the tricksters and the chameleons of this world; the ones who adopt whatever persona they have determined is most likely to coerce others into trusting and admiring them. Often you won't recognise any of this, until you first challenge their ego structure which is built on power and authority.
It's therefore vital to raise awareness.
It's therefore vital to raise awareness.
Power = Control
So, to continue our hypothetical example, we see that the control may have persisted at some low level throughout the relationship. It has then escalated until she's either too subjugated and worn down to do anything, or she finally starts to stand up to him and say enough is enough. However, it should be noted that it is entirely possible that the worst of the control may only become fully apparent at the point of separation. This is because the decision to leave an abusive partner and place one's attention elsewhere (and often, in his eyes, to take his reputation, his children, his 'castle' and potentially half of his money) is the biggest threat to a controlling man's ability to retain dominance.
I suggest you read all you can about toxic men and male entitlement.
To lose his core identity of power and superiority is a threat to this type of man's very being, and he will fight as hard as he might fight for his own life to keep it.
Note: A quick additional word of warning here; so too will those whose own livelihoods might depend on the abuser maintaining his authority or reputation. You can witness this in Hollywood where the studios need to preserve the public reputation of their star in case the box office returns fall, as their investment will fall too. You'll therefore often find others with a vested interest readily supporting the abuser when he labels his accuser as lying or unhinged. Challenging this 'enabling' formed the basis of the #MeToo and #TimesUp movement.
So, to continue our hypothetical example, we see that the control may have persisted at some low level throughout the relationship. It has then escalated until she's either too subjugated and worn down to do anything, or she finally starts to stand up to him and say enough is enough. However, it should be noted that it is entirely possible that the worst of the control may only become fully apparent at the point of separation. This is because the decision to leave an abusive partner and place one's attention elsewhere (and often, in his eyes, to take his reputation, his children, his 'castle' and potentially half of his money) is the biggest threat to a controlling man's ability to retain dominance.
I suggest you read all you can about toxic men and male entitlement.
To lose his core identity of power and superiority is a threat to this type of man's very being, and he will fight as hard as he might fight for his own life to keep it.
Note: A quick additional word of warning here; so too will those whose own livelihoods might depend on the abuser maintaining his authority or reputation. You can witness this in Hollywood where the studios need to preserve the public reputation of their star in case the box office returns fall, as their investment will fall too. You'll therefore often find others with a vested interest readily supporting the abuser when he labels his accuser as lying or unhinged. Challenging this 'enabling' formed the basis of the #MeToo and #TimesUp movement.
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Stigma & Shame
The stigma and shame associated with abuse is huge and a powerful reason why women remain silent. A good number - not all - may know that many of the behaviours which are causing her serious harm or distress constitute an offence. "So why don't they just call the Police?" is another common question from those struggling to understand about the dynamics of coercive and controlling behaviour - especially if there is violence.
The answer is that the gulf between the reality of knowing something is wrong, or illegal, and feeling free to act upon it is enormous. The woman may feel trapped and be too ashamed and/or enmeshed to call the police.
The fear of shame becomes traumatising and silences many women (more on this here).
The answer is that the gulf between the reality of knowing something is wrong, or illegal, and feeling free to act upon it is enormous. The woman may feel trapped and be too ashamed and/or enmeshed to call the police.
- She may fear a marked police car turning up and having neighbours' curtains twitching - perhaps they live in an affluent area where she believes this would never be happening to anyone else.
- She may fear that she won't be believed or the police won't respond effectively.
- Perhaps she's a business woman, lawyer, or even a counsellor or psychologist and she's thoroughly ashamed that she has ended up in this situation and fears it will affect her reputation or business.
- Above all she may hope if she just keeps quiet that will make him stop and in time they will be able to sort things out amicably. (Spoiler alert: That will never happen).
The fear of shame becomes traumatising and silences many women (more on this here).
- It might also be that he has threatened that if she dares to call the police he'll "make her pay" or says he'll proffer counter-accusations.
- She might fear that police involvement will lead to her abuser losing his job and, in turn, may have a long term impact on their joint finances and status, which will potentially affect the children. Plus, she knows that they (and children if they have them) will still have to live together in the days immediately following a report. If the police do not order him to leave or arrest him he'll undoubtedly make her/their life hell for having reported him.
- She may not have available funds for a lengthy hotel stay. Escaping to a friend or parents' house might cause them to be threatened or inconvenienced by the abuser too. This creates further fear, so many women do not want to involve them.
- Perhaps the children are going through important exams and so the timing is wrong as it would have wider long-term consequences on their studies and marks.
Maybe he's even tied up with some unsavoury or far more powerful characters who she fears.
All this is to say that the practical considerations and the presence of children can limit options and paralyse decision making. One thing is for sure: The courage it takes to report assaults or coercive and controlling behaviour, should never be underestimated. Fear and shame are a huge factor in why many cases of abuse and relationship/marital rapes are not reported. Often it is only when a woman has a complete mental breakdown from the gaslighting and stress, or a physical attack has been so damaging that emergency medical treatment in a hospital is needed, that many abuses come to light at all.
Suicide
Many coercively controlling men threaten violence but never actually hit a woman. However, we do not know the number of women who have 'taken to the bottle' or to antidepressants to numb the psychological pain, or who commit suicide as a result of control which is then reported as a mental health issue - when actually she harboured this secret about the level of control she was under, that she just couldn't see a way to ever escape from.
Many coercively controlling men threaten violence but never actually hit a woman. However, we do not know the number of women who have 'taken to the bottle' or to antidepressants to numb the psychological pain, or who commit suicide as a result of control which is then reported as a mental health issue - when actually she harboured this secret about the level of control she was under, that she just couldn't see a way to ever escape from.
DOMESTIC ABUSE, OF ANY KIND, SILENCES WOMEN
Additionally, it is not just one form of threat that a woman might be dealing with or one person in the family whose life is being impacted by this person's behaviour, it is often many, all at the same time. Perpetrators use the organised technique of disempowerment and disconnection to instill helplessness and even terror in their victims. Children may be showing grave signs of anxiety. Grandparents may be worried sick. This is a complex systemic problem - hence why it often results in health conditions throughout the family, including anxiety and Complex-Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome (C-PTSD).
It's in this context that it is really not surprising the the UK Government has calculated that Domestic Abuse is costing around 66 BILLION pounds per year. It is only in the past few years that the authorities are coming to recognise that sustained psychological, emotional and/or economic control and the powerlessness it engenders can cause more long-term damage than physical abuse. Still though, women often report feeling isolated, unseen and unheard, so there's more work to be done.
It's in this context that it is really not surprising the the UK Government has calculated that Domestic Abuse is costing around 66 BILLION pounds per year. It is only in the past few years that the authorities are coming to recognise that sustained psychological, emotional and/or economic control and the powerlessness it engenders can cause more long-term damage than physical abuse. Still though, women often report feeling isolated, unseen and unheard, so there's more work to be done.
A Game of Chess
Relationships should not be destructive or entrapping, let alone leave anyone in such psychological and emotional turmoil (or penury) that they want to end their life. They should be mutually satisfying and full of give and take. Yet in relationships involving controlling men, the more a woman tries to exert her right to independence and respect, the more the abuser will seek to strip her of that autonomy until, like a game of chess, he has the target of his abuse cornered and completely disempowered.
It's subtle, it's insidious and it's absolutely traumatising - and as we've just discussed it can even kill. This is why coercive and controlling behaviour that causes serious harm has been criminalised in the UK. By clicking the link you can read all about that law.
Abusive partners strip you of your self-worth and dignity. They play with your mind. Their behaviour begins to affect every part of your life. Eventually you become Trauma Bonded. Read about that here.
But Is It Just A 'Bad Relationship'?
Let's be honest, many non-abusive partnerships flounder. Around 50% of marriages end in divorce. Within a relationship, and during the separation, it's normal to encounter the occasional raised voice and occasional angry emotions. Ultimately though, there will be a willingness and ability of both partners to listen to the other person's concerns. There will be an effort to empathise with how things might look or feel from their position, to practise honesty and accountability for any behaviours which may have caused distress and to engage in constructive dialogue. Both will want to find a mutually acceptable way forward - whether that is together or apart. Especially when children are involved as both partner's will focus on their children's needs.
This is not a utopian ideal, this will be the eventual way forward with all non-abusive partners. Dialogue or counselling won't be undertaken as a further means of game-playing and manipulation, but from a place of genuine willingness to take responsibility and find a solution. It's about reaching acceptance and a compromise. Abusers, however, cannot and will not compromise and some often have no form of conscience. Read about Narcissism here.
Take a look at the following diagram (pinch to enlarge on mobile devices):
It's subtle, it's insidious and it's absolutely traumatising - and as we've just discussed it can even kill. This is why coercive and controlling behaviour that causes serious harm has been criminalised in the UK. By clicking the link you can read all about that law.
Abusive partners strip you of your self-worth and dignity. They play with your mind. Their behaviour begins to affect every part of your life. Eventually you become Trauma Bonded. Read about that here.
But Is It Just A 'Bad Relationship'?
Let's be honest, many non-abusive partnerships flounder. Around 50% of marriages end in divorce. Within a relationship, and during the separation, it's normal to encounter the occasional raised voice and occasional angry emotions. Ultimately though, there will be a willingness and ability of both partners to listen to the other person's concerns. There will be an effort to empathise with how things might look or feel from their position, to practise honesty and accountability for any behaviours which may have caused distress and to engage in constructive dialogue. Both will want to find a mutually acceptable way forward - whether that is together or apart. Especially when children are involved as both partner's will focus on their children's needs.
This is not a utopian ideal, this will be the eventual way forward with all non-abusive partners. Dialogue or counselling won't be undertaken as a further means of game-playing and manipulation, but from a place of genuine willingness to take responsibility and find a solution. It's about reaching acceptance and a compromise. Abusers, however, cannot and will not compromise and some often have no form of conscience. Read about Narcissism here.
Take a look at the following diagram (pinch to enlarge on mobile devices):
Where an abusive partner is concerned, there is no shared responsibility, respect or accountability. Instead what there is is self-interest, superiority, ownership and entitlement. Some men feel entitled to treat women in a certain way and view a partner like he might view anything else he owns i.e., as a possession. It's therefore, vitally important to understand the words in this image:
If you live in fear of saying or doing the wrong thing and 'setting him off'; if you feel your autonomy and sense of self has been eroded and you are made to feel belittled or small - or experience many of the responses on the left-hand power and control wheel above, and there is a pattern to the behaviour - then please know COUPLES COUNSELLING WILL NOT HELP. Abusive people want all of the control in the relationship and will focus on maintaining that imbalance until it suits them, even if it means continuing unhealthy and hurtful behaviour patterns and triangulating in a third party to do so. This is a good list of reasons why you shouldn't pursue joint therapy.
Leaving Safely
In conclusion then, we've discussed some behaviours that an abusive partner may exhibit before separation and now on other pages we are going to cover what can happen post-separation. You will need to be informed and supported to deal with it. This is because, unfortunately, if you have an abusive partner research has shown that control does not always end when a relationship reaches its conclusion and a couple part.
Indeed, it's become apparent that a website like this is needed, not just because it can alert you to the type of control that women can encounter before, during AND post-separation, but also to contribute to a huge awareness-raising exercise about the following fact: Estrangement is a time when there is a heightened risk factor for intimate partner homicide with men murdering their wives/ex-wives/partners most commonly within the first year of separation.
Indeed, it's become apparent that a website like this is needed, not just because it can alert you to the type of control that women can encounter before, during AND post-separation, but also to contribute to a huge awareness-raising exercise about the following fact: Estrangement is a time when there is a heightened risk factor for intimate partner homicide with men murdering their wives/ex-wives/partners most commonly within the first year of separation.
76% OF DOMESTIC ABUSE MURDERS HAPPEN AT THE POINT OF SEPARATION AND ROUGHLY 80% OF THOSE IN THE FIRST FOUR MONTHS - Laura Richards, Paladin
This isn't meant to scare you into not leaving. It is possible to leave and there are thousands, if not millions of women who have successfully broken free of controlling relationships. For the reasons mentioned above though, anyone considering leaving an abusive partner, whether the abuse was physical or not, should first seek support to do so safely. This applies whether you consider them to be Narcissistic or Psychopathic or not. In the resources section you will find an array of contact numbers of people who can provide help. The number for Refuge/Women's Aid helpline is at the bottom of this page. Upon calling them they will conduct a risk-assessment and then help you formulate a plan for leaving safely.
Always Be Cautious
Again, if you have already left (or been left) you should definitely not assume that you, or your family, are now safe. If your ex-partner has displayed a pattern of coercive or controlling behaviour in the relationship, even if there has been no previous history of physical violence, you should always be cautious - particularly throughout the first year of separation.
If you are wondering why, if there has never been any physical violence, there could still be a risk, take a look at the book section. You'll find a book called Operation Lighthouse. This documents a true story about coercive and controlling behaviour.
When Lance Hart's wife and family finally left him, within days he had shot and killed his wife, Claire, and daughter Charlotte, and then turned the gun on himself. Sadly this type of story is not uncommon. Murder and murder suicides are the ultimate form of control. (Also look at the work of AAFDA).
Stalking is another behaviour to be very alert to. If you know or suspect your ex-partner is stalking you please visit the Paladin website asap.
So, now those important warnings have been given, the next page you might like to read is about the law. Measures are available to protect the abused and their families from harm, especially if the behaviour is ongoing, but it's imperative to understand how our justice system works and exactly what laws there are to protect you. Are you, for example, aware of the difference between Criminal Law and Civil/Family Law? Do you know what evidence the Police need in order to be able to prosecute an abuser's control? If the police are not be able to use the Coercive Control law, did you know there are other laws listed that might help you.
No one should have to suffer fear, intimidation or distress from a partner because they have ended their relationship, or want it to end, so please get informed.
Next steps
I hope you now have a really solid understanding of the dynamics of control and the pattern it often follows. The coercion (threats and guilt-tripping) to remain is enormous. Breaking free from a partner like this won't be easy: on average women return to their abuser seven times before leaving for good, but it can be done.
One of the reasons it can be difficult to make that final break might not be just because of the fear, shame, family or economic considerations though, but also due to the aforementioned Trauma Bonding. If you missed the link up above, you can read about that reason again here. There's no shame in finding it difficult to leave so do be kind to yourself. It can be as difficult a process as coming off hard drugs or tackling an alcohol addiction. It can rarely be done without help. Information, patience and a support system are going to be the greatest tools for the re-empowerment of anyone disempowered by a controlling partner, so please do go to the page on The Law and look all over this site for some important information about your (or a friend/family members') options.
Finally, please also consider getting involved in raising awareness and improving legislation and training so we can better protect women and children from post-separation control.
Always Be Cautious
Again, if you have already left (or been left) you should definitely not assume that you, or your family, are now safe. If your ex-partner has displayed a pattern of coercive or controlling behaviour in the relationship, even if there has been no previous history of physical violence, you should always be cautious - particularly throughout the first year of separation.
If you are wondering why, if there has never been any physical violence, there could still be a risk, take a look at the book section. You'll find a book called Operation Lighthouse. This documents a true story about coercive and controlling behaviour.
When Lance Hart's wife and family finally left him, within days he had shot and killed his wife, Claire, and daughter Charlotte, and then turned the gun on himself. Sadly this type of story is not uncommon. Murder and murder suicides are the ultimate form of control. (Also look at the work of AAFDA).
Stalking is another behaviour to be very alert to. If you know or suspect your ex-partner is stalking you please visit the Paladin website asap.
So, now those important warnings have been given, the next page you might like to read is about the law. Measures are available to protect the abused and their families from harm, especially if the behaviour is ongoing, but it's imperative to understand how our justice system works and exactly what laws there are to protect you. Are you, for example, aware of the difference between Criminal Law and Civil/Family Law? Do you know what evidence the Police need in order to be able to prosecute an abuser's control? If the police are not be able to use the Coercive Control law, did you know there are other laws listed that might help you.
No one should have to suffer fear, intimidation or distress from a partner because they have ended their relationship, or want it to end, so please get informed.
Next steps
I hope you now have a really solid understanding of the dynamics of control and the pattern it often follows. The coercion (threats and guilt-tripping) to remain is enormous. Breaking free from a partner like this won't be easy: on average women return to their abuser seven times before leaving for good, but it can be done.
One of the reasons it can be difficult to make that final break might not be just because of the fear, shame, family or economic considerations though, but also due to the aforementioned Trauma Bonding. If you missed the link up above, you can read about that reason again here. There's no shame in finding it difficult to leave so do be kind to yourself. It can be as difficult a process as coming off hard drugs or tackling an alcohol addiction. It can rarely be done without help. Information, patience and a support system are going to be the greatest tools for the re-empowerment of anyone disempowered by a controlling partner, so please do go to the page on The Law and look all over this site for some important information about your (or a friend/family members') options.
Finally, please also consider getting involved in raising awareness and improving legislation and training so we can better protect women and children from post-separation control.
Cycles of Abuse
Notes and Disclaimer:
Nothing on this site, on any page, should be taken as legal advice - you should always seek the services of a legal professional. Likewise, nothing on this site should be construed as medical advice. The services of a medical professional or mental health professional should be sought if needed.
All information is provided in good faith to educate the general public, victims and survivors about abuse, and specifically, post-relationship control. Please be aware that some of the content of this site may 'trigger' .
*The British Crime Survey shows Domestic Abuse to be a gendered issue, however no offence is intended and it is accepted that men may be affected and there may be people of other gender identities to whom this information may apply. Abuse can happen to - and be perpetrated by - anyone, from any sector of the socioeconomic scale.
** It is recognised that Coercive Control can happen in an intimate or familial relationship see The Law
Nothing on this site, on any page, should be taken as legal advice - you should always seek the services of a legal professional. Likewise, nothing on this site should be construed as medical advice. The services of a medical professional or mental health professional should be sought if needed.
All information is provided in good faith to educate the general public, victims and survivors about abuse, and specifically, post-relationship control. Please be aware that some of the content of this site may 'trigger' .
*The British Crime Survey shows Domestic Abuse to be a gendered issue, however no offence is intended and it is accepted that men may be affected and there may be people of other gender identities to whom this information may apply. Abuse can happen to - and be perpetrated by - anyone, from any sector of the socioeconomic scale.
** It is recognised that Coercive Control can happen in an intimate or familial relationship see The Law
If you need advice or support you can contact the Refuge/Women's Aid helpline at the number below.
